Co-hosting and participating in the January 31-Day Self-Love Diet Writing Challenge, I’ve been increasing my awareness of my thoughts, emotion – a lot of things.
My sister called me tonight and asked if I wanted to watch American Idol with her. I would love to. I’ve been thinking about doing that this past week, but I said no tonight because in this moment I don’t feel safe leaving my house at night.
I went on a walk with my other sister this afternoon and I’m going to her house tomorrow night for dinner. When she brought up dinner and watching a 3D movie, I felt a tingle of fear because I knew that meant driving at night.
When I got off the phone with my sister about American Idol – it made me realize that I’m letting my fear make decisions, and irrational fear. I don’t always know where the line is drawn between paranoia and lesser fear, but I don’t like functioning from either place.
I think in the past, I would live from a place of fear without questioning it. Unconsciously, I would accept it as my normal. I don’t want fear to be my normal.
A lot of the times, in situations like this, I’ll push through my fear and do the things that I want to, but most of the times when I do that I’m experiencing life from a place of discomfort. For example, if I had gone to my sister’s tonight, like I have other nights when I was experiencing fear, my fear and anxiety would have heightened, and once I got back home, I would feel tense, eerily alert and I’d have difficulty falling asleep.
I want to find other ways to push past my fear without living through it. For the most part, I’ve gotten rid of a lot of it, and I’m great at letting go of it when I’m experiencing it, but sometimes only to a degree. I feel pretty safe right now, but the thought of going outside at night spikes up my fear thoughts – so I’m not completely functioning from a place without fear.
That’s one of my self-love intentions, learning to let go of fear. I’ve learned to live with it, function with it and temper it, now I want to learn to let it all go, within reason.