I thought I knew my cycle pattern with bipolar disorder, but then new brain sensations and feelings keep on popping up and I realize over and over again that I don’t really know how my brain works in relation to having bipolar 2.
My mom keeps on suggesting that I track/write down what I’m experiencing so when I experience X, I’ll know what it is, or I’ll know that Y will follow it.
So, I’m going to continuously edit this blog post with changes I notice.
2/11/14 – About 10 minutes ago I noticed a sudden flux of sensations in my brain/head. They’re still happening. It’s kind of like this pressure is lightly pushing down on both sides of my head. It’s not that kind of pressure that I sometimes feel when depressed. I don’t feel like I have a lot of energy like I’m experiencing hypomania. I don’t feel paranoid or have anxiety. My head feels tingly now, and all over my head, not just the sides. I’m a little tired, but I do have a bit more energy and focus than I did earlier today. I’m not sure if that’s a product of these sensations in my head. I’m not sure if these sensations will lead to my mood changing soon. This began around 7:40 or 7:45pm. It’s now 7:58pm and still happening. It’s now 8:07pm and my head still feels different, but instead of disconnected tingling or pressure, the pressure feels more uniformed now. 8:13pm, the tingling and pressure is a bit different. I feel different too now, calmer. The tingling is sometimes on my cheeks too now. I don’t feel delirious, but I feel similar, kind of spacy. I felt similar, but different than I do now about a week ago. That feeling lasted for a couple of hours, or more, and then that transitioned into rapid cycling for about an hour, going back and forth between high anxiety, high emotion, and disconnected emotion. For about a minute or a few, I’d go back and forth between each. A feeling similar to this has also transitioned into hypomania, paranoia and anxiety in the past. 8:23pm, I feel heat in the left side of my head, the upper left. 8:28pm, the tingling is very subtle now. I don’t feel spacy or odd, but I do feel pretty good, above average good, but it’s subtle.
2/20/14 – I was sick, and stopped drinking caffeine. I felt tired and irritable, and it was more difficult to concentrate. I slept a lot and watched a lot of TV. I didn’t go for a run.
2/21/14 – I felt irritable. I read more than half of Catching Fire, and did close to no work. I didn’t have caffeine. I didn’t go for a run.
2/22/14 – I felt really irritable in the morning. I didn’t have caffeine. I felt better when Grandma came over because I started smiling when I was around her. I didn’t have any caffeine. I did about a 20 minute cardio video workout. In the evening I drank 3 hard ciders and 4 rum on cokes (that tasted like coke), from about 4pm to 9pm. I also drank about 8 cups of water in the time span and ate nachos, mac n’ cheese, quesadilla and chicken wings during that time frame. I didn’t get drunk and I felt fine the next day. But maybe I could have been tired on the 24th from drinking on the 22nd?
2/23/14 – I didn’t have any caffeine. I felt slightly irritable in the morning and early afternoon. I went for a 2 mile walk by myself when I was feeling irritable. Later I went for a 2 mile walk with one of my cousins. Loads of family was over. Daniel, Elliot, Angel, Aubry, Audriana, Gavino, Uncle Al, Grandma, Renee, Matt, Ninel, Lena and parents. I had horrible heartburn all throughout today, likely from the alcohol the night before.
From 2/20 to 2/24 my mom has noticed me being a lot more irritable. I have been, but I don’t think it’s bipolar disorder, but maybe it is. I think being sick one of the days, not having caffeine for 4 of the days and the fact that I stopped running contributed to my irritability.
I was extraordinarily tired all this morning and afternoon. I got about 8 to 10 hours of sleep, but I felt like I needed more. For the first two hours in the morning, I was awake, but I could have fallen asleep at the drop of a hat. I was pretty tired throughout most of the day, a lot more than usual.
7:24pm – about 10 minutes ago I was sitting at the computer and got light headed. I didn’t feel dizzy, but things may have gotten temporarily blurry. I can’t remember. But my left side of the face has been feeling a little tingly, and I’m feeling light headed off and on, and am feeling a bit off.
2/24 – 2/25/14
I was anxious last night. I watched Teen Wolf last night, which I can tell was increasing my anxiety. I don’t think it was fully the show. Sometimes I can watch Sci-fi/fantasy shows and it doesn’t impact my anxiety. Other times I can watch non-scary fantasy and sci-fi and it does rise my anxiety.
It was difficult to fall asleep, and I fell asleep around 3 or 4am and woke up a few minutes before 7am. My shoulders feel extraordinarily tense.
I woke up alert and energized today with not a lot of sleep.
3/2/14 – 3/3/14
Off and on today I feel a pressure pushing down on my nose, and sometimes the front of my head. I felt this yesterday, and it kind of felt like I was drunk, granted, I started to drink wine, but I felt the changes before I started drinking. There were a few moments yesterday where I felt disconnected momentarily, and possibly like a panic attack could happen or I could become susceptible to paranoid-like thoughts. Instead of letting the head sensations give me worry, I just went with them and allowed them to be somewhat enjoyable. I remember in college my head would sometimes feel weird, but I just went with it. I also remember having similar anxiety in college compared to present day. This pressure on my nose/the front of my head, I’ve been feeling it for a week or so consistently each day, off and on. Also, for about a month or more, my memory seems not as good and my brain less sharp. I’ll get stuck on remembering words, phrases, how to explain things and get stuck mid thought on things, either forgetting what I’m talking about or how to say a word. This happened yesterday. I couldn’t remember how to say the word Hollywood and kind of lost track of everything within a few moments. It was hard to fall asleep last night and the night before. I fell asleep around 1am last night and was in bed around 9:30pm. I fell asleep around 3am the night before, and was in bed around 10pm. I’ve been tired a lot and foggy headed today and yesterday.
I woke up around 3:30am, awake, alert, clear headed, a bit anxiety ridden. I likely fell asleep around 11 or 11:30pm.
I’ve been getting a lot of headaches. I have one right now. 10:45am. I feel it in my left temple. I usually feel it on the right back side of my head, sometimes my left. I think it has something to do with being unaligned. That part of your back/spine that connects the neck to the back. It’s tense and shifts and adjusts and cracks, and when it does, I usually get headaches. It also sometimes makes me feel dizzy.
My shoulders are really tense. They felt extra tense last night, and they feel the same right now. It’s causing me anxiety that I’m trying to tell go of. It caused me anxiety last night, and it was difficult to fall asleep right away, but I actually fell asleep relatively quickly compared to how long it has taken me to fall asleep these past two weeks. I woke up a lot thought, readjusting myself in bed and re-calming myself down to fall asleep.
I’m wondering if tense shoulders could be a precursor to something. Maybe my body is physically telling me that some emotional shift is going to happen.
3/24 – 3/25/14
My anxiety was acting up at night, and I was getting borderline paranoid thoughts that I was able to subdue.
I was also having a lot of small panic attacks throughout the day and I was having difficulty with breathing easily.
3/25 – I walked 2.20 miles today. I hurt my leg on the 13th and took time off of it. Today is the first day where I’m really starting to get back into cardio.
I took one adderall pill at 20 (I think it’s measured in milligrams), which I haven’t done in awhile because it triggered paranoia. No paranoia came up. I did notice a big shift in my focus. I was having some mini panic attacks and was having difficulty with breathing easily, and I was sluggish and going back and forth with a bunch of different things for a few hours, not really doing any work, but trying to. After I took the adderall, I felt calm and relaxed and my mini panic attacks stopped and I was breathing easily. I also felt incredibly focused and was very productive, and just really calm and at ease. Around 6pm, I felt tired, but relaxed, almost delirious, but not quite. I went to sleep early that night, and relatively easily with no partial paranoid thoughts.
I walked 1.33 miles today. I tried to jog for some of it, but after 20 seconds my leg was acting up.
I woke up at 6:30am this morning and took half of an adderall pill at 7am. I noticed it was easier for me to focus, but I wasn’t super super focused, but I was able to get stuff done and push through it. At 12:30pm, I took a whole adderall pill, and noticed the calming and focused effects again. Before I took it, I was having a super super small panic attack, and shortly after taking the pill it stopped.
In the past, when taking adderall, I noticed my body, particularly my shoulders felt more tense. They may feel a little more tense right now, but not too much. They usually feel tense.
I jog/walked 1.62 miles today.